Binging

Binging: A short time devoted to an unhealthy indulgence of food.

Binging is every anorexic’s worst nightmare. You’re filled with an urge to eat, eat, eat. Maybe because you’re humiliated, maybe because you’re angry, maybe because you’re so hungry that the hunger pains are making you curl up in agony.

When binging, all reason leaves me. It’s food, food, food. Inside I’m screaming don’t do it! But it feels like I have no control over my own body. I just have to stuff my face with whatever is in front of me.

When I binge I eat until I’m so full that my stomach hurts and my body purges automatically when I bend over. On binges I eat multiple full bags of chips, big tubs of ice cream, packets upon packets of lollies, several bars of chocolate, full cakes… If there’s no junk food, then I’ll just eat something yummy.

I feel like an uncontrolable hippo.

And in my head I’m screaming at myself, emotionally abusing myself. I call myself terrible names, I tell myself that I am all my worst fears- fat, ugly, a great big nothing.

And afterwards all I can think about, all I can feel is a great big blob of glue in my stomach, quickly converting into fat that will go straight to my arms, thighs, cheeks, butt, and more. This often leads to me physically harming myself. I work myself up to such a state of self-hatred, self-loathing, anger, and misery that I need an outlet. I need some way to get these emotions out of me.

So I self-harm. I hit myself with heavy, blunt objects. I scratch myself with pointy things. I cut myself. Once, I was to mad at myself I actually cut the word ‘fat’ onto my arm.

How often do I binge? At least once a week. It I wasn’t able to purge out the binge, 70% of the time, I imagine that I would be obese. If I was, then everyone would be able to see me the way I already see myself.