Tag Archive | Anorexia

My Tooth

Hi everyone 🙂

So, I did some research on the whole how purging is ruining my teeth. Basically, the enamel is weakened by the excess of acid and gets thinner until it almost disappears, exposing the dentine which is sensitive. Over time, the enamel will disappear totally and the teeth will wear down into a point and lose their height.

Because anorexics and bulimics’ teeth are weakened by the acid erosion, they are not protected properly by saliva so the body’s immune defences are down, and on top of all this people with eating disorders, me included, tend to eat a heap of sugary foods, especially during an attack of compulsive eating. We also drink a ton of fizzy and sugary drinks to help with hunger pains- fizzy drinks also help with purging. I adore my Pepsi Max, but apparently it’s a well-known fact that all those sorts of drinks are one of the key causes of acid erosion in teeth. So, because of all of the above, people with eating disorders have rapidly increased tooth decay.

And let me tell you, it hurts- your teeth become more painful and sensitive to the cold, acid, sugar and even brushing. Your teeth start looking more yellow then white, and they stain easily.

The only thing I’ve read that helps somewhat, besides recovery, is chewing sugar free gum, which stimulates the production of saliva and limits acid reflux. Chewing gum is actually a trick taught on pro ana websites to help stave off hunger pains, as well, so to any anorexics out there please take care of your teeth, even if it is just by chewing gum and making sure you rinse your mouth after purging.

Better yet, go to your dentist. Because it bl–dy hurts!

~Hayley

P.S. The following pics are not my teeth.

P.P.S. If you want to learn more facts about the tooth stuff, the website I used was: http://www.milestonesprogram.org/news/40/Anorexia_and_Bulimia__The_Effects_on_Your_Teeth

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Still A Failure

Well, I’m still a failure. A month of fighting my parents to keep my weight down, to keep losing, and today I started my period. I work so hard, and I’m such a failure. God, I feel disgusting, fat, bloated, and just plain old lousy. I can’t believe that once I really, really wanted to get my period, wanted to be a woman. Now I just want to be underweight, for my body to start shutting down so there’s proof that I’m thin, even if I can’t see it.

I never saw myself as thin, even when I really, truly was. The indication that I was, was my lack of period. Purging everything I ate, and I thought I didn’t have a problem, can you believe it? Such is the nature of anorexia. It’s all denial, denial, denial. Well, fuck this. I will get thin, I don’t care what it takes.

One day I hope that I’ll actually feel thin, that I’ll actually feel I’ve accomplished something, because I’m sick of being fat, sick of not being able to see myself as others do. How did my sight become distorted? Why did my brain decide that I was covered with rolls upon rolls of disgusting fat, clinging to the beautiful bones underneath? When did I start seeing bones as beautiful, for that matter?

Why?????? Why, why, why, why, why??????

Book Quotes

We turn skeletons into goddesses and look to them as if they can teach us how not to need.
Marya Hornbacher

Who wants to recover? It took me years to get that tiny. I wasn’t sick; I was strong.
Laurie Halse Henderson, Wintergirls

“I am forever engaged in a silent battle in my head over whether or not to lift the fork to my mouth, and when I talk myself into doing so, I taste only shame. I have an eating disorder.”
― Jena Morrow, Hollow: An Unpolished Tale

Three Friends, Three Triggers

I have three best friends- L, H and M. I’m going to call them Linnie, Harriet and Margie, because those names are close to theirs, and I hate referring to people as letters.

Like me, my best friends all have eating issues.

Linnie and I are the only ones who have been officially diagnosed with an eating disorder. Linnie has been suffering from eating problems since she was eleven- she’s now fourteen. Her aunts in Sri-Lanka call her tubby and pinch her arms and now she’s obsessed with pinching her skin to see how ‘fat’ she is. Linnie had to spend the last month of the school year in hospital and at home because she was too sick to come in- her weight had dropped dangerously low. Right now she is trying to recover and is following a re-feeding diet where she is fed 3500 calories a day, in order to boost her weight.

Harriet is a long distance runner and has been since she was eight. She has a coach and runs five to ten kilometers every day. She’s tiny and skinny, and terrified of gaining weight- mostly because she’s worried weight gain will affect her running. She carefully monitors the calories, carbohydrates and fat content in everything she eats and calculates how much of it she will burn off. She has expressed to me several times that she also feels that she might be developing an eating disorder. She’s fifteen years old, has never gotten her period, has no breasts and no hips. She’s like a stick.

Margie and I have known each other since before prep- that’s over eleven years, people! Margie is really, really tall- she’s 179cm from head to floor. She worries a lot about how she is judged next to Linnie, Harriet and I although we tell her she’s beautiful. Because she is. But she’s determined to burn off some kilos, and keeps setting new and lower weight goals. She has okay willpower and an abnormal love of vegetables which has really helped her along. If she eats something, she has to know how many calories it has and she plans her calories of the day out- meals, snacks, and even free choice calories. She often cooks the dinner at her house because her mum works three jobs to keep her in a private school and her dad’s a lazy asshole. She likes cooking, though, because she can make healthy meals. Margie’s younger sister Vivian (age 13) has body image issues and eating issues and Margie is forever trying to get at least some food inside her. Margie’s period has recently stopped, a sign that she is beginning to lose too much weight.

Being around so many people with food issues doesn’t exactly help my disorder. I can’t help judging myself against them and their beautiful bodies. Eating in front of them is horrible because I feel like a pig whenever I see Margie and her celery sticks, Linnie with her barely nibbled on sandwich and Harriet talking about running, and calories and burning off the food.

Below is me (left) and Margie.

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Harriet is the runner on the left. She is 15 years old in this photo.

Hhh

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And last but not least, Linnie! She’s on the left and Margie’s on the right.

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Binging

Binging: A short time devoted to an unhealthy indulgence of food.

Binging is every anorexic’s worst nightmare. You’re filled with an urge to eat, eat, eat. Maybe because you’re humiliated, maybe because you’re angry, maybe because you’re so hungry that the hunger pains are making you curl up in agony.

When binging, all reason leaves me. It’s food, food, food. Inside I’m screaming don’t do it! But it feels like I have no control over my own body. I just have to stuff my face with whatever is in front of me.

When I binge I eat until I’m so full that my stomach hurts and my body purges automatically when I bend over. On binges I eat multiple full bags of chips, big tubs of ice cream, packets upon packets of lollies, several bars of chocolate, full cakes… If there’s no junk food, then I’ll just eat something yummy.

I feel like an uncontrolable hippo.

And in my head I’m screaming at myself, emotionally abusing myself. I call myself terrible names, I tell myself that I am all my worst fears- fat, ugly, a great big nothing.

And afterwards all I can think about, all I can feel is a great big blob of glue in my stomach, quickly converting into fat that will go straight to my arms, thighs, cheeks, butt, and more. This often leads to me physically harming myself. I work myself up to such a state of self-hatred, self-loathing, anger, and misery that I need an outlet. I need some way to get these emotions out of me.

So I self-harm. I hit myself with heavy, blunt objects. I scratch myself with pointy things. I cut myself. Once, I was to mad at myself I actually cut the word ‘fat’ onto my arm.

How often do I binge? At least once a week. It I wasn’t able to purge out the binge, 70% of the time, I imagine that I would be obese. If I was, then everyone would be able to see me the way I already see myself.

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Urge to Purge

The urge to purge (self induce vomiting) after eating can be so overwhelming that you can’t concentrate on anything else. Being blocked from purging is agony. Feelings of guilt, self-hatred and anxiety soar to an all-time high. It’s all you can think about. It’s an obsession.

I’ve paced around the house, fighting myself, trying not to purge. I scratch my arms with my nails, I recite times-tables, I do anything I can to try and distract myself from the pain inside. It never works.

An example is two nights ago. I was being weighed the next day and knew it was important that I kept down my dinner- a small vegetarian lasagna and Pepsi Max. The logical part of me knew that it was just one meal, just this one time. But I couldn’t do it. I was pacing my room, pulling on my hair, trying to fight it.

I soon ended up bent over the toilet forcing up the meal. Yesterday, when I was weighed, my parents threw a fit and made me drink a really fatty milkshake, and said that I’d have to do it again tomorrow and the day after, etcetera. Needless to say, I purged the milkshake immediately.

The main message I’m trying to pass on is don’t judge people who purge. It often just isn’t worth the self-loathing and anxiety involved in keeping the food down.

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Anorexia is not a phase

“Selfharm is not a trend. Anorexia is not a phase. Depression is not an act. Homosexuality is not a choice. Suicide is not the result of cowardice. I’m so sick and tired of picking on others because of a disorder or a choice. If a friend is cutting, you f#cking help them, you don’t just point at them and called them “f#cking emo.” People need to stop interfering in other peoples lives and just stick to their own.” – Annonymous