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My Tooth

Hi everyone 🙂

So, I did some research on the whole how purging is ruining my teeth. Basically, the enamel is weakened by the excess of acid and gets thinner until it almost disappears, exposing the dentine which is sensitive. Over time, the enamel will disappear totally and the teeth will wear down into a point and lose their height.

Because anorexics and bulimics’ teeth are weakened by the acid erosion, they are not protected properly by saliva so the body’s immune defences are down, and on top of all this people with eating disorders, me included, tend to eat a heap of sugary foods, especially during an attack of compulsive eating. We also drink a ton of fizzy and sugary drinks to help with hunger pains- fizzy drinks also help with purging. I adore my Pepsi Max, but apparently it’s a well-known fact that all those sorts of drinks are one of the key causes of acid erosion in teeth. So, because of all of the above, people with eating disorders have rapidly increased tooth decay.

And let me tell you, it hurts- your teeth become more painful and sensitive to the cold, acid, sugar and even brushing. Your teeth start looking more yellow then white, and they stain easily.

The only thing I’ve read that helps somewhat, besides recovery, is chewing sugar free gum, which stimulates the production of saliva and limits acid reflux. Chewing gum is actually a trick taught on pro ana websites to help stave off hunger pains, as well, so to any anorexics out there please take care of your teeth, even if it is just by chewing gum and making sure you rinse your mouth after purging.

Better yet, go to your dentist. Because it bl–dy hurts!

~Hayley

P.S. The following pics are not my teeth.

P.P.S. If you want to learn more facts about the tooth stuff, the website I used was: http://www.milestonesprogram.org/news/40/Anorexia_and_Bulimia__The_Effects_on_Your_Teeth

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Before and after binge/p.u.r.g.e photos of me

 

They say I shouldn’t purge, but how can I not when there is such a noticeable difference? If I couldn’t purge, then my arms would be lined from wrist to elbow with long, red cuts. Self-harm was how I coped before I learnt how to purge, and if I didn’t purge, then I’d go back to it. I would need a way to cope, and that’s the only other one that works for me.

 

This was after binging:

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And then this was after purging out the binge:

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This was after another binge:

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And another purge:

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When I binge, I’m like a shark on a feeding frenzy. I eat so much that my stomach visibly bulges. Those above binges would have consisted of liters of soft drink, full bags of chips, full bars of chocolate, bowls of pasta, several cups of hot-chocolate…

It’s disgusting, I’m disgusting, and I hate it. I hate what I do so much, but I can’t stop. Food is my cocaine.

The Places I’ve Purged

In my year and a bit of purging up to 20 times a day, I’ve had to purge in some pretty unusual and disgusting places.

I don’t like talking about the places I’ve purged, because I feel judged by people because most of the population doesn’t understand the pure anxiety and desperation that us bulimics and anorexics feel in the space after we’ve eaten to until we can purge. Desperation drives people to desperate measures.

Here is a list of the Places I’ve Purged:

Into garbage bags
Into an old saucepan
Into a restaurant toilets
Into (empty) doggy-poo bags
In a public shower
In a neighbors bin
In a neighbors backyard
Into the rose bed in my garden
Into my neighbors outdoor toilet
Into showers in cabins
Into an airport toilet
Into beach toilets
Into the bushes in a dog park
Into a pile of raked up mown grass
Into a sink
Into my bath
In my shower
Into plastic bags

I have honed my ‘skill’ over the year and now I am able to purge in a public toilet without the people on either side of me aware.

Im not proud. It’s something I have to do. In my life anorexia always come first, and even my own dignity comes second.

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First Purge of 2013

On the first of January, at around 9:20, I purged for the first time in 2013 . I have been on holiday, and this is the first time I’ve had Internet connection do I can upload this post.

I have to say, the first time I ever purged, I thought that it was a fad that wouldn’t last long. Well that ‘fad’ quickly became an obsession. Purging everyday, purging every meal… My days were ruled by the iron fist of anorexia- they still are, though to a lesser extent. Why? Because now that my parents know, they are far more careful that I don’t binge, fast or purge.

My first ever purge was on 9/12/2011. For over two years I had been struggling with body image issues and from emotional eating. I was always a slimmer child, and I felt that I was putting on too much weight; that I was becoming fat. And then, two days after school finished, I finally had the guts to ‘do the dirty’.

And here I am. A year has gone by, and although so much has changed, one thing is still the same- I want to be skinny.

My period… a mark of failure

Once I left hospital for the first time the only way I had to track my weight was the appearance- or rather the lack of appearance- of my period.

My period started at the beginning of Year Eight. It was always irregular, and it stopped altogether during the Christmas holidays at the end of year eight.

The loss of my period signified something to me- I was getting thinner. Thin enough to be considered anorexic even. This thought excited me a little- not because I wanted yet another mental disorder, but because it meant I was skinny!!!

I was never scared of developing an eating disorder. The thought actually intrigued me. The idea of being able to purge food from your body was just purely awesome (for want of a better word). I never really realized until I started being forced to ‘get better’ just how strong an influence anorexia has over me. And I say has because it still does. And I often think it always will.

When I first got my period I was proud. Second out of my friends (the girl who got her’s first is no longer really a friend) and I was excited. Now I cry whenever I feel those telltale cramps, and when I start seeing crimson stains on my underpants. Because I have failed.

F. A. I. L. E. D.

Guilt

Eating Disorders and Guilt go hand in hand. They’re both bastards.

 

Not a day goes by that I eat without wanting to punch myself. Whether it’s hunger getting the best of me, or my parents forcing me to eat, every single second of eating (and at least for an hour or two after) I’m filled with guilt. Self-loathing. Self hatred.

I just binged on chocolate. Well, my twisted definition of a binge. I ate five rows of Dark Chocolate and I feel like screaming. I feel like punching myself. I know I’m going to purge it. I can’t deal with this inside me. And I know that I won’t deal with it. I’ll purge it.

 

The guilt sticks to you. It digs its claws in and doesn’t let go. You feel hopeless, stupid, fat, fat, fat. You hate yourself, and you feel like crying. You h.a.t.e. yourself. Then, when you purge, the relief briefly drowns the hate/guilt/self-loathing. But, the thoughts creep back up on you. In the back of your mind lurks an evil little voice that tells you that you’re weak , that some of the food is still in you, that you’re fatter then you were before you ate/binged.

Dealing with the evil voice is impossible, for most anorexics. That evil voice is the driving force. Some people don’t hear it as a voice, some people hear it as a thought. The girls I was in hospital with talked about it as a thought lingering in their minds. I get it both ways- sometimes I feel like an external voice is telling me that I’m ugly/fat/lazy/stupid, but sometimes it’s just this thought lingering in my head.

It’s hard. The guilt. The guilt can be too overwhelming for some anorexics. It can lead to self-harm, it can lead to days and days of no eating at all. The guilt leads to some type of self punishment. Guilt is one of the worst parts of my anorexia. I hate it.

I. H.A.T.E. I.T.

But it’s always there: fat pig/gross whale/blubber thighs/pregnant belly

It really hurts.

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Urge to Purge

The urge to purge (self induce vomiting) after eating can be so overwhelming that you can’t concentrate on anything else. Being blocked from purging is agony. Feelings of guilt, self-hatred and anxiety soar to an all-time high. It’s all you can think about. It’s an obsession.

I’ve paced around the house, fighting myself, trying not to purge. I scratch my arms with my nails, I recite times-tables, I do anything I can to try and distract myself from the pain inside. It never works.

An example is two nights ago. I was being weighed the next day and knew it was important that I kept down my dinner- a small vegetarian lasagna and Pepsi Max. The logical part of me knew that it was just one meal, just this one time. But I couldn’t do it. I was pacing my room, pulling on my hair, trying to fight it.

I soon ended up bent over the toilet forcing up the meal. Yesterday, when I was weighed, my parents threw a fit and made me drink a really fatty milkshake, and said that I’d have to do it again tomorrow and the day after, etcetera. Needless to say, I purged the milkshake immediately.

The main message I’m trying to pass on is don’t judge people who purge. It often just isn’t worth the self-loathing and anxiety involved in keeping the food down.

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