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My Tooth

Hi everyone 🙂

So, I did some research on the whole how purging is ruining my teeth. Basically, the enamel is weakened by the excess of acid and gets thinner until it almost disappears, exposing the dentine which is sensitive. Over time, the enamel will disappear totally and the teeth will wear down into a point and lose their height.

Because anorexics and bulimics’ teeth are weakened by the acid erosion, they are not protected properly by saliva so the body’s immune defences are down, and on top of all this people with eating disorders, me included, tend to eat a heap of sugary foods, especially during an attack of compulsive eating. We also drink a ton of fizzy and sugary drinks to help with hunger pains- fizzy drinks also help with purging. I adore my Pepsi Max, but apparently it’s a well-known fact that all those sorts of drinks are one of the key causes of acid erosion in teeth. So, because of all of the above, people with eating disorders have rapidly increased tooth decay.

And let me tell you, it hurts- your teeth become more painful and sensitive to the cold, acid, sugar and even brushing. Your teeth start looking more yellow then white, and they stain easily.

The only thing I’ve read that helps somewhat, besides recovery, is chewing sugar free gum, which stimulates the production of saliva and limits acid reflux. Chewing gum is actually a trick taught on pro ana websites to help stave off hunger pains, as well, so to any anorexics out there please take care of your teeth, even if it is just by chewing gum and making sure you rinse your mouth after purging.

Better yet, go to your dentist. Because it bl–dy hurts!

~Hayley

P.S. The following pics are not my teeth.

P.P.S. If you want to learn more facts about the tooth stuff, the website I used was: http://www.milestonesprogram.org/news/40/Anorexia_and_Bulimia__The_Effects_on_Your_Teeth

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Still A Failure

Well, I’m still a failure. A month of fighting my parents to keep my weight down, to keep losing, and today I started my period. I work so hard, and I’m such a failure. God, I feel disgusting, fat, bloated, and just plain old lousy. I can’t believe that once I really, really wanted to get my period, wanted to be a woman. Now I just want to be underweight, for my body to start shutting down so there’s proof that I’m thin, even if I can’t see it.

I never saw myself as thin, even when I really, truly was. The indication that I was, was my lack of period. Purging everything I ate, and I thought I didn’t have a problem, can you believe it? Such is the nature of anorexia. It’s all denial, denial, denial. Well, fuck this. I will get thin, I don’t care what it takes.

One day I hope that I’ll actually feel thin, that I’ll actually feel I’ve accomplished something, because I’m sick of being fat, sick of not being able to see myself as others do. How did my sight become distorted? Why did my brain decide that I was covered with rolls upon rolls of disgusting fat, clinging to the beautiful bones underneath? When did I start seeing bones as beautiful, for that matter?

Why?????? Why, why, why, why, why??????

Distorted Body Image

I know that I see a distorted body image, because that’s what the doctors say. I know they are telling the truth, because even when I was at my lowest weight, I still could see the rolls of fat, the loose folds, the bulging stomach, the marshmallow thighs.

My fingers are great big sausages, and my hands big, thick stocky hands. My cheeks are full of fat and my arms are thick and disgusting. I am gross. I am fat.

My arms look like they’re as thick as poles, my legs are huge and disgusting and I have to try and hide them.

My stomach is always bulging. Always sticking out. It is gross, and I look pregnant. When I sit down, the insides of my thighs touch, which is the end of my world.

My body is disgusting. I am disgusting. I am fat and ugly and FAT, FAT, FAT!

Book Quotes

We turn skeletons into goddesses and look to them as if they can teach us how not to need.
Marya Hornbacher

Who wants to recover? It took me years to get that tiny. I wasn’t sick; I was strong.
Laurie Halse Henderson, Wintergirls

“I am forever engaged in a silent battle in my head over whether or not to lift the fork to my mouth, and when I talk myself into doing so, I taste only shame. I have an eating disorder.”
― Jena Morrow, Hollow: An Unpolished Tale

Before and after binge/p.u.r.g.e photos of me

 

They say I shouldn’t purge, but how can I not when there is such a noticeable difference? If I couldn’t purge, then my arms would be lined from wrist to elbow with long, red cuts. Self-harm was how I coped before I learnt how to purge, and if I didn’t purge, then I’d go back to it. I would need a way to cope, and that’s the only other one that works for me.

 

This was after binging:

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And then this was after purging out the binge:

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This was after another binge:

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And another purge:

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When I binge, I’m like a shark on a feeding frenzy. I eat so much that my stomach visibly bulges. Those above binges would have consisted of liters of soft drink, full bags of chips, full bars of chocolate, bowls of pasta, several cups of hot-chocolate…

It’s disgusting, I’m disgusting, and I hate it. I hate what I do so much, but I can’t stop. Food is my cocaine.

The Places I’ve Purged

In my year and a bit of purging up to 20 times a day, I’ve had to purge in some pretty unusual and disgusting places.

I don’t like talking about the places I’ve purged, because I feel judged by people because most of the population doesn’t understand the pure anxiety and desperation that us bulimics and anorexics feel in the space after we’ve eaten to until we can purge. Desperation drives people to desperate measures.

Here is a list of the Places I’ve Purged:

Into garbage bags
Into an old saucepan
Into a restaurant toilets
Into (empty) doggy-poo bags
In a public shower
In a neighbors bin
In a neighbors backyard
Into the rose bed in my garden
Into my neighbors outdoor toilet
Into showers in cabins
Into an airport toilet
Into beach toilets
Into the bushes in a dog park
Into a pile of raked up mown grass
Into a sink
Into my bath
In my shower
Into plastic bags

I have honed my ‘skill’ over the year and now I am able to purge in a public toilet without the people on either side of me aware.

Im not proud. It’s something I have to do. In my life anorexia always come first, and even my own dignity comes second.

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First Purge of 2013

On the first of January, at around 9:20, I purged for the first time in 2013 . I have been on holiday, and this is the first time I’ve had Internet connection do I can upload this post.

I have to say, the first time I ever purged, I thought that it was a fad that wouldn’t last long. Well that ‘fad’ quickly became an obsession. Purging everyday, purging every meal… My days were ruled by the iron fist of anorexia- they still are, though to a lesser extent. Why? Because now that my parents know, they are far more careful that I don’t binge, fast or purge.

My first ever purge was on 9/12/2011. For over two years I had been struggling with body image issues and from emotional eating. I was always a slimmer child, and I felt that I was putting on too much weight; that I was becoming fat. And then, two days after school finished, I finally had the guts to ‘do the dirty’.

And here I am. A year has gone by, and although so much has changed, one thing is still the same- I want to be skinny.