An Apology and an Update

Well, I have seriously been neglecting this blog, and I’ve decided it’s time to change that.

I don’t really have an excuse, except I had a relapse (which you could probably tell from the last few posts I put up) so I was thinking less about recovery, and more about losing as much weight as I could. Anorexia/bulimia is filled with so many bloody ups and downs. People talk about recovery, tell you it’s possible, but it feels like they’re all f-cking liars.

The truest quote I think I’ve ever read about anorexia is the following:

“They say I am ‘recovered’ but really, anorexia is for life. Recovered is a state of calm where the anorexia is controlled, caged but always waiting for you to fall again. And the worst part is, I don’t think I want to change that.” 

So, update on my life: went back into a hospital a few times, the longest stay been nine weeks. Right now I’m holding a steady weight, and only purging about once every second day, which is a bloody big improvement.

Some of the less pleasant side-effects from my eating disorder are starting to hit me, including my parents having to pay thousands of dollars on root canals to fix my teeth, thanks to the stomach acid that comes with the purging. I feel like complete crap about it, as well as being in pain. I felt so bad after the last appointment that I asked to have Hungry Jacks for the first time in I can’t even remember how long just to try and cheer mum up. Well, that backfired on me. I couldn’t eat dinner I felt so awful/self hating.

So, that’s my life at the moment.

Oh, and an update on my friends- Linnie’s probably doing the best out of all of us. She moved schools to take the pressure off constantly been surrounded by me and Margie and it’s really worked for her. I’ve never seen her look as healthy as she does in all the time I’ve known her, so kudos to her 🙂

Harriet’s honestly trying her best, but I don’t think she’s getting far. She can’t stop exercising, constantly, constantly exercising, and despite the fact I honestly think she wants to get better, she just can’t let herself.

Margie’s doing just as badly as me. Her weight’s dropped so she’s close to being admitted to hospital, and she has no intention or desire to try and get better.

Give me strength, guys, coz I need it ❤

~Hayley

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