Archive | March 2013

Monday 25th update

Afternoon tea: 2 chocolate eggs, 1 white chocolate raspberry muffin (purged within 5 minutes) and 1 icy-pole (50 calories)

Dinner: 1 bowl pasta bake (350 calories) and 4 rows of chocolate (I feel like killing mum right now!!!) 

Equals- not good day 😦

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Dragonfly Thoughts

Hi, I’ve made a new blog that I’m going to use to record what I eat, when I eat, when I purge, where I purge, etc. It’s basically going to be a mix of an online diary, a diet tracker and a pro ana/mia blog.

It’s http://www.mydragonflythoughts.wordpress.com

Why ‘dragonfly’ thoughts? For those who don’t know, a dragonfly is the symbol of pro ana/ pro mia. Like some people wear crosses around their necks, I wear a dragonfly necklace around my neck everyday.

It’s my choice people. Not everyone views anorexia/bulimia as a disease. For some of us it’s a way of life. It’s our choice. Some people claim that they love their curves, well I love my bones.

Quote:

I think some girls are hypocrites

Why are you allowed to love your ‘curves’, but it’s wrong for me to love my ‘bones’?

Why is it okay for you to call me anorexic, but horrible for me to call you fat?

Why can you laugh and tell me to eat some chips, but I can’t laugh and tell you to eat some celery?

If you can tell me to gain weight, why can’t I tell you to lose weight?

If you can feel beautiful for being big, then I can feel beautiful for being thin. 

Get over it. 

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What doesn’t kill you…

Found this quote the other day, and thought it was very true:

“Anorexia was, is and always will be my life now, from age 13. They say I am recovered, but I know I’ll relapse someday. After all what doesn’t kill you… will probably try again.”

It’s grim, but it reflects the thoughts of most anorexics/’recovered’ anorexics everywhere.

Anorexia Coach???

As some of you will know, I have recently been exploring the world of pro ana/mia and I’ve come across a disturbing discovery. There are people out there who claim to be anorexia coaches.

An anorexic couch who contacted me goes by the name Justin AMTM. He claims to be able to help you lose weight by his ‘training’. I played along with the conversation for some time, before I blocked him and let me just tell you, what he was spouting out was disturbing.

He claimed that he helps other anorexic girls purge- he sticks his fingers down their throats to activate their gag reflexes. He claims to channel the spirits of Ana and Mia. He claims to be able to help me go down to a weight below 80 pounds- even in my anorexia riddled mind, I know that that weight is unhealthy for a girl my age and height. Hell, for most girls anywhere!

To any anorexic out there who may have been contacted by this Justin AMTM guy, or anyone else claiming to be a pro ana/mia couch, don’t contact them. Block them. They are trying to take advantage of you for some sick reason that I don’t know or want to find out. Stay safe girls.

Love Hayley

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My pro ana/mia buddy :)

I found a pro ana/mia buddy and her name is Meg(an).

Megs is so like me 🙂 It’s so amazing to finally find someone I can relate to! Meg understands what I’m going through, and I understand what she is going through. She manages to joke around like I do about my ED every now and then, which my other friends just can’t!

 

I know lots of people wouldn’t approve, but I’m glad I reached out for a buddy- I don’t contact Meg for motivation or encouragement in eating disorder related activities, but for companionship. For someone to share the pain with. Megan is already helping me, because she understands and I’ve missed having that. I really, really have.

So to everyone who thinks this is wrong/bad of me- you try having a huge secret that you can’t share with anyone and can’t talk to anyone about! You try having an eating disorder and feeling so overwhelmed you just want to slit your freaking wrists and be done with life because it’s all just too much and too overwhelming and you just feel so a.l.o.n.e.

Don’t judge me, don’t judge any of us, I’m happy I found Meg. I’m  happy that I finally can open up and share all these heavy secrets in my heart which are weighing me down.

Thank you Meg!

pro ana/mia buddy… intriguing…

Lately, I’ve been exploring the idea of a pro ana/mia buddy. Someone I can actually talk to about my shit. And I think I’ve found that person. Meg (last name unknown) seems amazing. She’s had an eating disorder for almost ten years, so she definitely knows what she’s talking about! We can relate on so many levels, she’s shared so many of the same experiences as I have.

A pro ana/mia buddy is a chance for me to have someone to write to other then this blog. I can share things with her that I can’t even share on here. I barely know her, yet we know more about each other then our friends (in my case, anyway). Like me she self-harms, has been suicidal, loves yet hates her eating disorder, has been diagnosed with depression and anxiety, has been hospitalized a few times, is a vegetarian (vegan, to be specific- awesome, huh?), loves the Harry Potter series, loves the show Dexter, loves animals and struggles with binge eating and an overbearing mum.

We’ve emailed back and forth, getting to know each other, and I think she’s going to be the perfect ‘buddy’. This is what she wrote in her reply to my original post on a pro ana/mia site looking for a buddy:

Hey Hayley – I assume your name is Hayley anyway because of your email? haha oh well. I might be a little too old for you but I don’t mind – I’ve just turned 18 (2 months) and I am also looking for a ED buddy. I don’t need motivation so much as I need a friend who understand what it’s like to have an eating disorder. I just feel so lonely. I’m a super good motivator though so I can help YOU with that 🙂 

But seriously i am sooooo lonely and it’s getting to me so much at the moment. It’s making my binging and purging worse because I feel so empty and hollow inside and I want to stuff myself with food to cure that hollowness. 

I would be so grateful if we could help each other out. 

She’s perfect.

Friends

Parental Intervention

Well, Margie’s parents have discovered her strange eating habits and have staged an intervention. At a doctor’s appointment, her GP was suspicious of her appearance and decided to weigh her. The outcome? 49 kilos. That’s a BMI of 15.3. A normal BMI is 18.5–24.9, and anything under 18.5 is considered underweight. 

Margie is super pissed, for sure! Her mum (I’m going to use the name Kelly) is suddenly watching her every meal and Margie’s been given four weeks to get back up to 55kg, minimum. 

I remember when my mum first found out and started an intervention. I threw the food she tried serving me onto the floor and stomped on it, I screamed, I physically wrestled my way past my parents back up to my room, I literally jammed myself under the bird-cage so she and dad couldn’t drag me out back to the table. 

Was it traumatic? Yes. Did it work? Hell no! Sure, at the time I put on a little weight, but then I didn’t eat for five days (just sat at the table, eyes closed for five very long days) and I was re-admitted to hospital.

They try their best, but in my experience the eating disorder beats the parents. Sure, we might put weight on, we might start seeming normal again, but underneath the eating disorder is just waiting, biding its time, acting like a ticking bomb.

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