Well, I’m still a failure. A month of fighting my parents to keep my weight down, to keep losing, and today I started my period. I work so hard, and I’m such a failure. God, I feel disgusting, fat, bloated, and just plain old lousy. I can’t believe that once I really, really wanted to get my period, wanted to be a woman. Now I just want to be underweight, for my body to start shutting down so there’s proof that I’m thin, even if I can’t see it.
I never saw myself as thin, even when I really, truly was. The indication that I was, was my lack of period. Purging everything I ate, and I thought I didn’t have a problem, can you believe it? Such is the nature of anorexia. It’s all denial, denial, denial. Well, fuck this. I will get thin, I don’t care what it takes.
One day I hope that I’ll actually feel thin, that I’ll actually feel I’ve accomplished something, because I’m sick of being fat, sick of not being able to see myself as others do. How did my sight become distorted? Why did my brain decide that I was covered with rolls upon rolls of disgusting fat, clinging to the beautiful bones underneath? When did I start seeing bones as beautiful, for that matter?
Why?????? Why, why, why, why, why??????