Archive | January 2013

Book Quotes

We turn skeletons into goddesses and look to them as if they can teach us how not to need.
Marya Hornbacher

Who wants to recover? It took me years to get that tiny. I wasn’t sick; I was strong.
Laurie Halse Henderson, Wintergirls

“I am forever engaged in a silent battle in my head over whether or not to lift the fork to my mouth, and when I talk myself into doing so, I taste only shame. I have an eating disorder.”
― Jena Morrow, Hollow: An Unpolished Tale

Three Friends, Three Triggers

I have three best friends- L, H and M. I’m going to call them Linnie, Harriet and Margie, because those names are close to theirs, and I hate referring to people as letters.

Like me, my best friends all have eating issues.

Linnie and I are the only ones who have been officially diagnosed with an eating disorder. Linnie has been suffering from eating problems since she was eleven- she’s now fourteen. Her aunts in Sri-Lanka call her tubby and pinch her arms and now she’s obsessed with pinching her skin to see how ‘fat’ she is. Linnie had to spend the last month of the school year in hospital and at home because she was too sick to come in- her weight had dropped dangerously low. Right now she is trying to recover and is following a re-feeding diet where she is fed 3500 calories a day, in order to boost her weight.

Harriet is a long distance runner and has been since she was eight. She has a coach and runs five to ten kilometers every day. She’s tiny and skinny, and terrified of gaining weight- mostly because she’s worried weight gain will affect her running. She carefully monitors the calories, carbohydrates and fat content in everything she eats and calculates how much of it she will burn off. She has expressed to me several times that she also feels that she might be developing an eating disorder. She’s fifteen years old, has never gotten her period, has no breasts and no hips. She’s like a stick.

Margie and I have known each other since before prep- that’s over eleven years, people! Margie is really, really tall- she’s 179cm from head to floor. She worries a lot about how she is judged next to Linnie, Harriet and I although we tell her she’s beautiful. Because she is. But she’s determined to burn off some kilos, and keeps setting new and lower weight goals. She has okay willpower and an abnormal love of vegetables which has really helped her along. If she eats something, she has to know how many calories it has and she plans her calories of the day out- meals, snacks, and even free choice calories. She often cooks the dinner at her house because her mum works three jobs to keep her in a private school and her dad’s a lazy asshole. She likes cooking, though, because she can make healthy meals. Margie’s younger sister Vivian (age 13) has body image issues and eating issues and Margie is forever trying to get at least some food inside her. Margie’s period has recently stopped, a sign that she is beginning to lose too much weight.

Being around so many people with food issues doesn’t exactly help my disorder. I can’t help judging myself against them and their beautiful bodies. Eating in front of them is horrible because I feel like a pig whenever I see Margie and her celery sticks, Linnie with her barely nibbled on sandwich and Harriet talking about running, and calories and burning off the food.

Below is me (left) and Margie.

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Harriet is the runner on the left. She is 15 years old in this photo.

Hhh

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And last but not least, Linnie! She’s on the left and Margie’s on the right.

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Note!!!

Note: now that I am (unfortunately) back at school, I promise that I’ll start updating regularly.

Also, if anyone has any questions about the issues I’ve raised, feel free to ask them in the comments, or if anyone wants to do so in private email me at hayleysmithAD666@gmail.com

And if anyone has an eating disorder related subject they want me to write about, then leave the suggestion in the comments or email me.

Thank you to anyone who has taken the time roved this- love you all!!!!

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Desperation Quote

People react and do things when they feel desperate that they may not ever do in any other circumstance. People become desperate for different reasons.

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Before and after binge/p.u.r.g.e photos of me

 

They say I shouldn’t purge, but how can I not when there is such a noticeable difference? If I couldn’t purge, then my arms would be lined from wrist to elbow with long, red cuts. Self-harm was how I coped before I learnt how to purge, and if I didn’t purge, then I’d go back to it. I would need a way to cope, and that’s the only other one that works for me.

 

This was after binging:

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And then this was after purging out the binge:

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This was after another binge:

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And another purge:

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When I binge, I’m like a shark on a feeding frenzy. I eat so much that my stomach visibly bulges. Those above binges would have consisted of liters of soft drink, full bags of chips, full bars of chocolate, bowls of pasta, several cups of hot-chocolate…

It’s disgusting, I’m disgusting, and I hate it. I hate what I do so much, but I can’t stop. Food is my cocaine.

The Places I’ve Purged

In my year and a bit of purging up to 20 times a day, I’ve had to purge in some pretty unusual and disgusting places.

I don’t like talking about the places I’ve purged, because I feel judged by people because most of the population doesn’t understand the pure anxiety and desperation that us bulimics and anorexics feel in the space after we’ve eaten to until we can purge. Desperation drives people to desperate measures.

Here is a list of the Places I’ve Purged:

Into garbage bags
Into an old saucepan
Into a restaurant toilets
Into (empty) doggy-poo bags
In a public shower
In a neighbors bin
In a neighbors backyard
Into the rose bed in my garden
Into my neighbors outdoor toilet
Into showers in cabins
Into an airport toilet
Into beach toilets
Into the bushes in a dog park
Into a pile of raked up mown grass
Into a sink
Into my bath
In my shower
Into plastic bags

I have honed my ‘skill’ over the year and now I am able to purge in a public toilet without the people on either side of me aware.

Im not proud. It’s something I have to do. In my life anorexia always come first, and even my own dignity comes second.

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First Purge of 2013

On the first of January, at around 9:20, I purged for the first time in 2013 . I have been on holiday, and this is the first time I’ve had Internet connection do I can upload this post.

I have to say, the first time I ever purged, I thought that it was a fad that wouldn’t last long. Well that ‘fad’ quickly became an obsession. Purging everyday, purging every meal… My days were ruled by the iron fist of anorexia- they still are, though to a lesser extent. Why? Because now that my parents know, they are far more careful that I don’t binge, fast or purge.

My first ever purge was on 9/12/2011. For over two years I had been struggling with body image issues and from emotional eating. I was always a slimmer child, and I felt that I was putting on too much weight; that I was becoming fat. And then, two days after school finished, I finally had the guts to ‘do the dirty’.

And here I am. A year has gone by, and although so much has changed, one thing is still the same- I want to be skinny.