Archive | December 2012

A (not so) promising start to 2013

Well, I’ve started the year by lying to mum about what I ate for breakfast (tiny bit of yoghurt). Very promising. I can’t see much of a difference in the start of this year, or the start of last year. Though, last year at this time I weighed 45 kilos. This year I weigh 47.2 kilos.

I’m telling you, right now I’d give my right leg to rewind time to start last year again so I can continue my eating disorder without getting caught! Jesus, I’d be so much more careful 😦

Let’s see what this year brings- recovery? Hospitalization? Weight loss? God knows….

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Binging

Binging: A short time devoted to an unhealthy indulgence of food.

Binging is every anorexic’s worst nightmare. You’re filled with an urge to eat, eat, eat. Maybe because you’re humiliated, maybe because you’re angry, maybe because you’re so hungry that the hunger pains are making you curl up in agony.

When binging, all reason leaves me. It’s food, food, food. Inside I’m screaming don’t do it! But it feels like I have no control over my own body. I just have to stuff my face with whatever is in front of me.

When I binge I eat until I’m so full that my stomach hurts and my body purges automatically when I bend over. On binges I eat multiple full bags of chips, big tubs of ice cream, packets upon packets of lollies, several bars of chocolate, full cakes… If there’s no junk food, then I’ll just eat something yummy.

I feel like an uncontrolable hippo.

And in my head I’m screaming at myself, emotionally abusing myself. I call myself terrible names, I tell myself that I am all my worst fears- fat, ugly, a great big nothing.

And afterwards all I can think about, all I can feel is a great big blob of glue in my stomach, quickly converting into fat that will go straight to my arms, thighs, cheeks, butt, and more. This often leads to me physically harming myself. I work myself up to such a state of self-hatred, self-loathing, anger, and misery that I need an outlet. I need some way to get these emotions out of me.

So I self-harm. I hit myself with heavy, blunt objects. I scratch myself with pointy things. I cut myself. Once, I was to mad at myself I actually cut the word ‘fat’ onto my arm.

How often do I binge? At least once a week. It I wasn’t able to purge out the binge, 70% of the time, I imagine that I would be obese. If I was, then everyone would be able to see me the way I already see myself.

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My period… a mark of failure

Once I left hospital for the first time the only way I had to track my weight was the appearance- or rather the lack of appearance- of my period.

My period started at the beginning of Year Eight. It was always irregular, and it stopped altogether during the Christmas holidays at the end of year eight.

The loss of my period signified something to me- I was getting thinner. Thin enough to be considered anorexic even. This thought excited me a little- not because I wanted yet another mental disorder, but because it meant I was skinny!!!

I was never scared of developing an eating disorder. The thought actually intrigued me. The idea of being able to purge food from your body was just purely awesome (for want of a better word). I never really realized until I started being forced to ‘get better’ just how strong an influence anorexia has over me. And I say has because it still does. And I often think it always will.

When I first got my period I was proud. Second out of my friends (the girl who got her’s first is no longer really a friend) and I was excited. Now I cry whenever I feel those telltale cramps, and when I start seeing crimson stains on my underpants. Because I have failed.

F. A. I. L. E. D.