Eating Disorders and Guilt go hand in hand. They’re both bastards.
Not a day goes by that I eat without wanting to punch myself. Whether it’s hunger getting the best of me, or my parents forcing me to eat, every single second of eating (and at least for an hour or two after) I’m filled with guilt. Self-loathing. Self hatred.
I just binged on chocolate. Well, my twisted definition of a binge. I ate five rows of Dark Chocolate and I feel like screaming. I feel like punching myself. I know I’m going to purge it. I can’t deal with this inside me. And I know that I won’t deal with it. I’ll purge it.
The guilt sticks to you. It digs its claws in and doesn’t let go. You feel hopeless, stupid, fat, fat, fat. You hate yourself, and you feel like crying. You h.a.t.e. yourself. Then, when you purge, the relief briefly drowns the hate/guilt/self-loathing. But, the thoughts creep back up on you. In the back of your mind lurks an evil little voice that tells you that you’re weak , that some of the food is still in you, that you’re fatter then you were before you ate/binged.
Dealing with the evil voice is impossible, for most anorexics. That evil voice is the driving force. Some people don’t hear it as a voice, some people hear it as a thought. The girls I was in hospital with talked about it as a thought lingering in their minds. I get it both ways- sometimes I feel like an external voice is telling me that I’m ugly/fat/lazy/stupid, but sometimes it’s just this thought lingering in my head.
It’s hard. The guilt. The guilt can be too overwhelming for some anorexics. It can lead to self-harm, it can lead to days and days of no eating at all. The guilt leads to some type of self punishment. Guilt is one of the worst parts of my anorexia. I hate it.
I. H.A.T.E. I.T.
But it’s always there: fat pig/gross whale/blubber thighs/pregnant belly
It really hurts.