Urge to Purge

The urge to purge (self induce vomiting) after eating can be so overwhelming that you can’t concentrate on anything else. Being blocked from purging is agony. Feelings of guilt, self-hatred and anxiety soar to an all-time high. It’s all you can think about. It’s an obsession.

I’ve paced around the house, fighting myself, trying not to purge. I scratch my arms with my nails, I recite times-tables, I do anything I can to try and distract myself from the pain inside. It never works.

An example is two nights ago. I was being weighed the next day and knew it was important that I kept down my dinner- a small vegetarian lasagna and Pepsi Max. The logical part of me knew that it was just one meal, just this one time. But I couldn’t do it. I was pacing my room, pulling on my hair, trying to fight it.

I soon ended up bent over the toilet forcing up the meal. Yesterday, when I was weighed, my parents threw a fit and made me drink a really fatty milkshake, and said that I’d have to do it again tomorrow and the day after, etcetera. Needless to say, I purged the milkshake immediately.

The main message I’m trying to pass on is don’t judge people who purge. It often just isn’t worth the self-loathing and anxiety involved in keeping the food down.

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