The urge to purge (self induce vomiting) after eating can be so overwhelming that you can’t concentrate on anything else. Being blocked from purging is agony. Feelings of guilt, self-hatred and anxiety soar to an all-time high. It’s all you can think about. It’s an obsession.
I’ve paced around the house, fighting myself, trying not to purge. I scratch my arms with my nails, I recite times-tables, I do anything I can to try and distract myself from the pain inside. It never works.
An example is two nights ago. I was being weighed the next day and knew it was important that I kept down my dinner- a small vegetarian lasagna and Pepsi Max. The logical part of me knew that it was just one meal, just this one time. But I couldn’t do it. I was pacing my room, pulling on my hair, trying to fight it.
I soon ended up bent over the toilet forcing up the meal. Yesterday, when I was weighed, my parents threw a fit and made me drink a really fatty milkshake, and said that I’d have to do it again tomorrow and the day after, etcetera. Needless to say, I purged the milkshake immediately.
The main message I’m trying to pass on is don’t judge people who purge. It often just isn’t worth the self-loathing and anxiety involved in keeping the food down.