“Did you purge?”
“Yes, I swear I didn’t purge!” Sorry mum
Constantly lying. Constantly breaking promises. That’s what I do everyday. I can’t help it- if I tell her the truth I’ll get fatter. She’ll stop me from purging. I can’t let that happen. So I lie, lie, lie.
Dinner is the hardest meal of the day. With my stomach already full, all I feel like doing is throwing it away. Mum and dad sat me down and forced me to eat a bowl of spaghetti. I feel like total crap. I feel weak.
That’s what anorexia does. I can understand this logically, but not emotionally. Anorexia makes you feel bad even if you have no choice but to eat. It tells you that in the end no one can force you to eat. It tells me that even when they [mum and dad] literally drag me down to the dinner table, they can’t put the food in my mouth and make me swallow. Anorexia tells me that I chose to do that and because I made that choice I’m fat/lazy/weak/stupid.
I know I’m going to have to keep down this food, and it’s killing me inside. The voice inside me is taunting me, accusing me- fatty, fatty, fatty, fatty, fatty, fatty, fatty… etc.
Eating Disorders and Guilt go hand in hand. They’re both bastards.
Not a day goes by that I eat without wanting to punch myself. Whether it’s hunger getting the best of me, or my parents forcing me to eat, every single second of eating (and at least for an hour or two after) I’m filled with guilt. Self-loathing. Self hatred.
I just binged on chocolate. Well, my twisted definition of a binge. I ate five rows of Dark Chocolate and I feel like screaming. I feel like punching myself. I know I’m going to purge it. I can’t deal with this inside me. And I know that I won’t deal with it. I’ll purge it.
The guilt sticks to you. It digs its claws in and doesn’t let go. You feel hopeless, stupid, fat, fat, fat. You hate yourself, and you feel like crying. You h.a.t.e. yourself. Then, when you purge, the relief briefly drowns the hate/guilt/self-loathing. But, the thoughts creep back up on you. In the back of your mind lurks an evil little voice that tells you that you’re weak , that some of the food is still in you, that you’re fatter then you were before you ate/binged.
Dealing with the evil voice is impossible, for most anorexics. That evil voice is the driving force. Some people don’t hear it as a voice, some people hear it as a thought. The girls I was in hospital with talked about it as a thought lingering in their minds. I get it both ways- sometimes I feel like an external voice is telling me that I’m ugly/fat/lazy/stupid, but sometimes it’s just this thought lingering in my head.
It’s hard. The guilt. The guilt can be too overwhelming for some anorexics. It can lead to self-harm, it can lead to days and days of no eating at all. The guilt leads to some type of self punishment. Guilt is one of the worst parts of my anorexia. I hate it.
I. H.A.T.E. I.T.
But it’s always there: fat pig/gross whale/blubber thighs/pregnant belly
The urge to purge (self induce vomiting) after eating can be so overwhelming that you can’t concentrate on anything else. Being blocked from purging is agony. Feelings of guilt, self-hatred and anxiety soar to an all-time high. It’s all you can think about. It’s an obsession.
I’ve paced around the house, fighting myself, trying not to purge. I scratch my arms with my nails, I recite times-tables, I do anything I can to try and distract myself from the pain inside. It never works.
An example is two nights ago. I was being weighed the next day and knew it was important that I kept down my dinner- a small vegetarian lasagna and Pepsi Max. The logical part of me knew that it was just one meal, just this one time. But I couldn’t do it. I was pacing my room, pulling on my hair, trying to fight it.
I soon ended up bent over the toilet forcing up the meal. Yesterday, when I was weighed, my parents threw a fit and made me drink a really fatty milkshake, and said that I’d have to do it again tomorrow and the day after, etcetera. Needless to say, I purged the milkshake immediately.
The main message I’m trying to pass on is don’t judge people who purge. It often just isn’t worth the self-loathing and anxiety involved in keeping the food down.
“Selfharm is not a trend. Anorexia is not a phase. Depression is not an act. Homosexuality is not a choice. Suicide is not the result of cowardice. I’m so sick and tired of picking on others because of a disorder or a choice. If a friend is cutting, you f#cking help them, you don’t just point at them and called them “f#cking emo.” People need to stop interfering in other peoples lives and just stick to their own.” – Annonymous
I read lots of blogs about people with anorexia, but I feel that there is so much that isn’t said, that I’d like people out there to know. If you have somehow come across my blog and are taking the time to read this then thank you.
I am a medium height 15 year old girl. My parents both have good jobs and we live in a nice house. I was comfortable, loved and as content as any teenage girl ever is. Then, for what appeared to be no reason, I began suffering from depression. Six months after my diagnosis I started losing a lot of weight very quickly.
Fast forward six months and I was admitted into hospital under emergency- I was told my life was at risk. And you know what? I couldn’t give a damn. I was just beyond furious that I was going to have to gain weight.
When told I could die, my full attention was on weight loss. When told that my heart could fail, I thought about how hard it was going to be to lose weight, when I got out of hospital, with my patents watching my every move.
Unless you have suffered an eating disorder you just can’t understand the obsession your whole self has with food, food, food. It’s all you can think about. It’s always creeping up in your thoughts. It’s always so present.
I’m going to end the post here, as this is meant to be a short introduction. In the next post, I am going to be talking about the act of self induced vomiting… a.k.a. Purging.