My Tooth

Hi everyone🙂

So, I did some research on the whole how purging is ruining my teeth. Basically, the enamel is weakened by the excess of acid and gets thinner until it almost disappears, exposing the dentine which is sensitive. Over time, the enamel will disappear totally and the teeth will wear down into a point and lose their height.

Because anorexics and bulimics’ teeth are weakened by the acid erosion, they are not protected properly by saliva so the body’s immune defences are down, and on top of all this people with eating disorders, me included, tend to eat a heap of sugary foods, especially during an attack of compulsive eating. We also drink a ton of fizzy and sugary drinks to help with hunger pains- fizzy drinks also help with purging. I adore my Pepsi Max, but apparently it’s a well-known fact that all those sorts of drinks are one of the key causes of acid erosion in teeth. So, because of all of the above, people with eating disorders have rapidly increased tooth decay.

And let me tell you, it hurts- your teeth become more painful and sensitive to the cold, acid, sugar and even brushing. Your teeth start looking more yellow then white, and they stain easily.

The only thing I’ve read that helps somewhat, besides recovery, is chewing sugar free gum, which stimulates the production of saliva and limits acid reflux. Chewing gum is actually a trick taught on pro ana websites to help stave off hunger pains, as well, so to any anorexics out there please take care of your teeth, even if it is just by chewing gum and making sure you rinse your mouth after purging.

Better yet, go to your dentist. Because it bl–dy hurts!

~Hayley

P.S. The following pics are not my teeth.

P.P.S. If you want to learn more facts about the tooth stuff, the website I used was: http://www.milestonesprogram.org/news/40/Anorexia_and_Bulimia__The_Effects_on_Your_Teeth

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An Apology and an Update

Well, I have seriously been neglecting this blog, and I’ve decided it’s time to change that.

I don’t really have an excuse, except I had a relapse (which you could probably tell from the last few posts I put up) so I was thinking less about recovery, and more about losing as much weight as I could. Anorexia/bulimia is filled with so many bloody ups and downs. People talk about recovery, tell you it’s possible, but it feels like they’re all f-cking liars.

The truest quote I think I’ve ever read about anorexia is the following:

“They say I am ‘recovered’ but really, anorexia is for life. Recovered is a state of calm where the anorexia is controlled, caged but always waiting for you to fall again. And the worst part is, I don’t think I want to change that.” 

So, update on my life: went back into a hospital a few times, the longest stay been nine weeks. Right now I’m holding a steady weight, and only purging about once every second day, which is a bloody big improvement.

Some of the less pleasant side-effects from my eating disorder are starting to hit me, including my parents having to pay thousands of dollars on root canals to fix my teeth, thanks to the stomach acid that comes with the purging. I feel like complete crap about it, as well as being in pain. I felt so bad after the last appointment that I asked to have Hungry Jacks for the first time in I can’t even remember how long just to try and cheer mum up. Well, that backfired on me. I couldn’t eat dinner I felt so awful/self hating.

So, that’s my life at the moment.

Oh, and an update on my friends- Linnie’s probably doing the best out of all of us. She moved schools to take the pressure off constantly been surrounded by me and Margie and it’s really worked for her. I’ve never seen her look as healthy as she does in all the time I’ve known her, so kudos to her🙂

Harriet’s honestly trying her best, but I don’t think she’s getting far. She can’t stop exercising, constantly, constantly exercising, and despite the fact I honestly think she wants to get better, she just can’t let herself.

Margie’s doing just as badly as me. Her weight’s dropped so she’s close to being admitted to hospital, and she has no intention or desire to try and get better.

Give me strength, guys, coz I need it❤

~Hayley

Monday 25th update

Afternoon tea: 2 chocolate eggs, 1 white chocolate raspberry muffin (purged within 5 minutes) and 1 icy-pole (50 calories)

Dinner: 1 bowl pasta bake (350 calories) and 4 rows of chocolate (I feel like killing mum right now!!!) 

Equals- not good day😦

Dragonfly Thoughts

Hi, I’ve made a new blog that I’m going to use to record what I eat, when I eat, when I purge, where I purge, etc. It’s basically going to be a mix of an online diary, a diet tracker and a pro ana/mia blog.

It’s http://www.mydragonflythoughts.wordpress.com

Why ‘dragonfly’ thoughts? For those who don’t know, a dragonfly is the symbol of pro ana/ pro mia. Like some people wear crosses around their necks, I wear a dragonfly necklace around my neck everyday.

It’s my choice people. Not everyone views anorexia/bulimia as a disease. For some of us it’s a way of life. It’s our choice. Some people claim that they love their curves, well I love my bones.

Quote:

I think some girls are hypocrites

Why are you allowed to love your ‘curves’, but it’s wrong for me to love my ‘bones’?

Why is it okay for you to call me anorexic, but horrible for me to call you fat?

Why can you laugh and tell me to eat some chips, but I can’t laugh and tell you to eat some celery?

If you can tell me to gain weight, why can’t I tell you to lose weight?

If you can feel beautiful for being big, then I can feel beautiful for being thin. 

Get over it. 

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What doesn’t kill you…

Found this quote the other day, and thought it was very true:

“Anorexia was, is and always will be my life now, from age 13. They say I am recovered, but I know I’ll relapse someday. After all what doesn’t kill you… will probably try again.”

It’s grim, but it reflects the thoughts of most anorexics/’recovered’ anorexics everywhere.

Anorexia Coach???

As some of you will know, I have recently been exploring the world of pro ana/mia and I’ve come across a disturbing discovery. There are people out there who claim to be anorexia coaches.

An anorexic couch who contacted me goes by the name Justin AMTM. He claims to be able to help you lose weight by his ‘training’. I played along with the conversation for some time, before I blocked him and let me just tell you, what he was spouting out was disturbing.

He claimed that he helps other anorexic girls purge- he sticks his fingers down their throats to activate their gag reflexes. He claims to channel the spirits of Ana and Mia. He claims to be able to help me go down to a weight below 80 pounds- even in my anorexia riddled mind, I know that that weight is unhealthy for a girl my age and height. Hell, for most girls anywhere!

To any anorexic out there who may have been contacted by this Justin AMTM guy, or anyone else claiming to be a pro ana/mia couch, don’t contact them. Block them. They are trying to take advantage of you for some sick reason that I don’t know or want to find out. Stay safe girls.

Love Hayley

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My pro ana/mia buddy :)

I found a pro ana/mia buddy and her name is Meg(an).

Megs is so like me🙂 It’s so amazing to finally find someone I can relate to! Meg understands what I’m going through, and I understand what she is going through. She manages to joke around like I do about my ED every now and then, which my other friends just can’t!

 

I know lots of people wouldn’t approve, but I’m glad I reached out for a buddy- I don’t contact Meg for motivation or encouragement in eating disorder related activities, but for companionship. For someone to share the pain with. Megan is already helping me, because she understands and I’ve missed having that. I really, really have.

So to everyone who thinks this is wrong/bad of me- you try having a huge secret that you can’t share with anyone and can’t talk to anyone about! You try having an eating disorder and feeling so overwhelmed you just want to slit your freaking wrists and be done with life because it’s all just too much and too overwhelming and you just feel so a.l.o.n.e.

Don’t judge me, don’t judge any of us, I’m happy I found Meg. I’m  happy that I finally can open up and share all these heavy secrets in my heart which are weighing me down.

Thank you Meg!